For those of you who aren't familiar one of the main requirements of any PhD program is that one produces a research product. This is part of why PhD programs are so much more funded than, say, PsyD programs. In a PsyD program you're learning how to be a clinician and an educated consumer of research but in a PhD program, you're also learning how to produce research which creates a marketable product for the University. Part of producing research is sharing and presenting that research in peer-reviewed journals or at academic conferences.
Above, you can see me pictures presenting a conference at ABAI. If it looks like I'm smiling through the pain, I certainly am. I hate presenting at conferences. This was at the very end of my presentation slot. I'll explain more as the post goes on, but I was not doing my best in this picture. After my presentation slot ended I waited what I hoped was a graceful amount of time and used all my strength to calmly roll up my poster, despite the fact that by this point in poster presentations I always want to bolt from the room. And then, the person at the poster next to me made a snotty comment- "Wow, couldn't get out of here fast enough, could you?"
This post was inspired by a talk I went to yesterday by Dr. Monique Botha. Dr. Botha is an autistic academic whose research focused on autistic thriving, and bringing matters that the autistic community feels are important into the research limelight. They seem like a cool person and I've been trying to follow a lot of their work! They mentioned at the end of a talk I attended yesterday that when preparing to present at a conference they were very anxious and became really distressed over small things like choosing appropriate footwear. However, when they confided in others about this experience others were often quick to dismiss this aspect of their disability and compare them to other people who "have it worse." I want to be careful in writing this post not to compare the experience of a disabled person too closely with that of my own. Rather, I was really upset by the idea that someone could be dismissive of how completely overwhelming and overstimulating a conference can be.
In solidarity, please enjoy some of the moments that I, as an Allistic person, have been overwhelmed to point of tears at a conference and imagine how this must feel for an autistic person who is theoretically even more sensitive to this kind of stimuli.
INSAR of 1st Year of Graduate School
A lot of this one was just bad luck. I was doing my first ever poster presentation (which is basically like a giant science fair) and I got a spot right by the door where people walked in. This meant that a ton of people wandered over to my poster (usually not many people will talk to you during a poster presentation). Poster presentation slots are about two hours long. I am an very very introverted person, which is different than being shy, although I am a bit shy too. Being introverted means that although I enjoy other people, I find being around them, especially if I have to interact with them, draining. There's only so long I can do it, especially with unfamiliar people, until I need to step away and recharge. Poster presentations really push limit of this window. It's constant interaction one on one with unfamiliar people which is easily the fastest way to drain my social battery. By the end of my first poster presentation my throat was dry and achy from talking and I was way past my limit of what my social battery could tolerate. I remember turning to face my poster and letting a single tear fall (I know, drama, drama, but it really was hard!) Thus, my track record of crying at every conference I've ever been to was kicked off.
ABCT Atlanta
At conferences, especially huge ones like ABCT, certain groups will break away to socialize. In the evening there will be parties and happy hours, sometimes at the conference hotel, sometimes at nearby restaurants. These events are especially hard for me because they're at the end of the day and my social resources are usually drained, but they're the events where the most networking is expected. At ABCT Atlanta there was a Virginia Tech happy hour at a local pub. I tried to network but I felt so awkward. In reality it was probably fine, but I felt like I had ruined an opportunity to make important connections. Back at the AirBnB with two of my cohort mates and I sat in my room and started crying. I explained that I felt like everyone was upset with me, and I was doing everything wrong. My very patient lab twin who knew me well and was used to this calmed me down and assured me that no one was upset with me. Would not have made it through grad school without her.
ABCT San Diego
Another conference, another exclusive after party. I wanted to highlight this example because nothing really happened to make me upset this time. It had just been a long day and I was two glasses of red wine deep. I had just had a weird conversation with a an alumni of our program who I had a crush on as an undergrad and now I was weirdly colleagues with. I was tired. I went out on to the balcony to get some air but there was an old man standing alone out there looking off in the distance like the great Gatsby. I later learned this was David Barlow. I was driven back inside and pulled back into conversation. Finally I went and sat in a bathroom stall and let out a few tears just to have a moment to myself.
The next day I cried alone at the airport waiting for my plane because I was still tired and overwhelmed from the night before.
ABCT Washington DC
Wow, the absolute worst. One of the stressors grad students face at conferences is figuring out where to eat. Usually there's a big group of students who all want to get food together, and no one is familiar enough with the city to suggest a restaurant that can accommodate us all. My friend had the idea to grab pizza and bring it back to eat with a big group in our hotel room. And then he got pulled into an internship networking situation and I was left to figure out the pizza on my own. Now normally, I could do this but this was the end of a conference day and the resources I usually use to deal with my anxiety where almost totally depleted. I suddenly had all these thoughts- What if the pizza I choose is bad? What if it's too expensive? How many should I get? I eventually became so overwhelmed that I broke down in tears in the upstairs lobby. By a sheer stroke of luck an older student in my program came out of the elevator right at that moment and found me curled up on the lobby bench.
"Um, Ashley...What's going on?"
I tearfully explained that I didn't know how to get pizza for everyone.
"Okay, well here, let's just look up a place and I'll walk with you to go get it."
And she did. She found a place, helped me estimate how much pizza we need, walked with me to pick it up, which was good because there was far too much for me to carry by myself. She made it look so easy and I immediately calmed down and felt so silly about how upset I'd been but prior to having help it felt so overwhelming.
What's Helped?
Zoom
I do so much better on Zoom conferences. While I like aspects of being able to travel and see new cities, I do so much better networking via Zoom. In fact, my lead on the job I was eventually hired for came from reaching out to a faculty member in the chat at a virtual conference, something that would have been much harder for me to do in person.
Building the Confidence to Say No and Step Away
There are so many events at conferences and it can feel like there's so much pressure to network at as many events as possible. I've learned though, that I'm much more effective if I skip an event or two so I'm not socializing to the point of tears.
Attending A Random Talk
Sometimes when I need a break from seeing folks I feel pressured to connect and network with I'll go to a talk that's totally out of my specialty area. I can sit quietly, not see anyone who will want to talk with me, and might learn something new and interesting.
Conclusion
One last thing I want to highlight is that kindness has really made a difference in my ability to feel okay at conferences. In the example at ABAI, it really stung when someone made a snotty comment. In my other examples, having support from other students in my program made all the difference in the world. I think it's also meaningful that, besides the pizza incident, I can usually hold it together in front of people and not let on that I'm getting distressed and overwhelmed. It just goes to show that you never really know how someone is doing, or what they're experiencing. I'm sure there have been many moments at conferences where I appear bright and poised but I'm actually on the verge of tears. So, to tie it back to Dr. Botha's comments, just believe people when they tell you about their experience and be nice. Even if someone appears fine, assume your kindness will be appreciated.
Okay, that's all everyone! Don't be assholes to each other.
Until next time,
Ashley
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